The Atrabilious Nihilarian

Archive for March, 2013

Raising a child to my path

She loves the moon.  She loves to be outdoors.  She loves to dance barefoot in the grass and play with sticks and dig in the dirt bare handed.

She is, for now, making it a bit easier to introduce her to the life of loving at least the dirt worshiping part.

Putting her to bed tonight this was the refrain in my head:

Good night, Moon.

Good night, Stars.

Good night, Ancestors, near and far.

Watch over me tonight and let me rest,

So I can try again tomorrow, to be and do my very best.

Random life

Random life bits: Today I got a new phone, which isn’t really new, but it is to me, so good enough.  I then promptly lost my old phone, before I could get all of the photos and videos of my daughter off the memory card in it.

I realized tonight that I am currently spending 21 hours a week putting my child to bed – either for naps or at bedtime.  I have decided that I really need to consider stripping her bedroom bare and locking her in it until she figures out how to go to sleep on her own.  Spending an entire day of my week just putting her to bed is ridiculous at her age.

I also realized tonight just how ill suited I am to parenthood.  I wished, for a heartbeat or two, that I could have a job, just so I’d have an excuse to pay the exorbitant daycare fees ($115 a week) to get her away from me for a while.  While I do think that she needs some kind of socialization with other kids, I cannot justify paying $460 a month for the 6 months a year I would be unable to avail myself of their services.  Which sucks. Because I REALLY want to put her in daycare.

It only took me 4 months

I am finally putting the altar(s) back up.  What was originally one altar with a side space for storage of necessities is now 2 altar cabinets…

Where the original altar was all one cohesive, albeit generic, altar – whose original point was to have something of both of us melded together into one, the secondary altar, the one on the dresser, is coming together as 1 place, but altars to multiple deities/figures.  I don’t know why, I haven’t examined it in too much detail.  I’ve simply been unpacking boxes and putting things where they seemed to need to go.  Rebuilding the altars at this point is an exercise for my mind…a way of starting to reconnect with the gods that I thought had given up on me since my detour into places they didn’t want me to go.

I need to go out and get journals soon.  During a rather impromptu meditation session last night, letters and thoughts slipped through my mind, things that are clamoring inside of me that need to be written – but that aren’t necessarily for public consumption.  In part inspired, I’m assuming, by a podcast I listened to on Loki yesterday, one of the thoughts was a need to compose my thoughts on him, to finally address why every time he has shown up in my life I have shown him the door.  I think it is time to address that fear/anxiety.

Image

The altar as it was originally set up.  I had once asked my partner, in a fit of insecurity about the status of our relationship, to marry me. He promptly said no.  My response, since he still insisted that his home was my home regardless of the status of our relationship and what we called it, was to create this altar – some of his life, some of mine, all blended together.  He added his own touches to it as well.  That was almost 3 years ago.  It is now time for the altar to morph into something new, it is time to honor the gods the way I should be.

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